May-17-1998

MATT POST

Subject: Re: WILD

...so...ther I was, innocently replacing the fan belt on my truck, when out of nowhere, a huge, flaming buttcrack comes running across the street to tell me it had delivered mail to the wrong address and could I please give it back it's post. Startled, I ran to the other side of the truck to grab the big monkey wrench just incase it got violent. Asking the intruder what it's real intentions were with a defensive tone, it stared at me blankly for a minute, then started to cry. I oiled it up, gave it a massage, and we both drove to the top of the hill to hold eachother and watch the sunset, crying. Soon, covered in mucus and painted chrome, we drove down into Hollywood to have sushi together, but the uptight owners of the sushi joint said they will not tolerate a big stinky buttcrack sitting in their restaurant offending the guests. The buttcrack and I broke down in tears and the waiter changed his mind, sitting us down to a free dinner at the best table in the house. Happy, and with our tummys full of sea urchin, we both went across the street to rent a video - Harold and Maude, and went to my house to watch it on my big screen tv. That's when it popped the question. I said yes, and with tears of joy, I climbed into it, and, engines ignited, we ascended into the heavens to enjoy the view of this earth from space, on our way to Alpha Centauri, to meet it's aunt margaret.